The One with the TwilightFriends Crossover
by EdwardsSoul101
Summary: Crossover between the Twilight Series and Friends the TV series. A series of oneshots. You don't have to watch Friends to understand the story... Humour fic!


The One With The Twilight/Friends Crossover

**The One With The Twilight/Friends Crossover**

_A/N:__ Twilight/Friends crossover. The Friends episode is "The One With The Embryos", in other words, the one where Phoebe has gone off to get Frank and Alice's embryos _

_implanted, leaving Chandler, Joey, Rachel and Monica to battle it out over who knows each other best. Some lines stolen directly from Friends- (C) to Bright Kauffman Crane, Warner Bros, and whoever happened to write that episode._

_In terms of "who's who", the characters are as follows:_

_Alice Monica_

_Rosalie Rachel_

_Ross Edward_

_Chandler Jasper_

_Joey Emmett. (Is it just me, or are they seriously like the same person?!)_

_I realise that this leaves some of the pairings messed up, but none of them are actually dating in this episode anyway._

_Oneshot, until further notice. Edward's POV._

I was lying beside a sleeping Bella in her bed, as per usual for 2am on a Saturday. To be honest, I was getting a little bored. She had finished talking already, and I had already read the only book in her room: _Wuthering Heights_, of course.

Instead of leaving her side to find something to do, I decided to listen in to my family's conversations. I could definitely still hear them from this distance, and they were fairly likely to amuse me, even if it was by accident.

I concentrated on dimming the buzz inside my head to find a specific voice. Suddenly, Emmett's voice boomed into my brain as if he was right next to me.

"Yeah, baby! This was a great idea man," he loudly congratulated Jasper. Through his eyes, I could see a brand new, electric blue pinball machine. He was apparently winning, according to the enormous amount of noise that was pouring out of it.

Jasper was standing at his side, also engrossed in the game. Suddenly, Emmett flicked both buttons at once, scoring a bonus. It was a good job we lived in the middle of nowhere; the sound from the machine could've woken the dead (for lack of a better phrase).

During their game, Alice and Rosalie had been painting each others' nails in Alice's vast bathroom two floors above. The noise had shocked them, even Alice, and the spilled bright pink nail varnish over the sleeve of Rosalie's designer shirt. Both girls rose to their feet, oblivious to the cause of the noise.

"What _is_ that?" Rosalie enquired angrily. "Is that you?"

Alice glared at her with a look that said, "_Are you serious?_" The noise, having stopped for their exchange of words, started again, and they pursued its cause.

Less than a minute later, back in Emmett's thoughts, the machine was still going strong. He laughed loudly at the winning noises coming from it.

Abruptly, Alice and Rosalie appeared in the doorway, fuming.

"_What_ is that noise?" Rosalie demanded.

"You!" Jasper replied, before realising Rosalie's anger. Emmett moved to hide behind Jasper, his normal overconfidence fading into nothing at the sight of a very angry-looking Rose.

"It's the machine," Emmett replied shakily, gesturing towards the blue monster. "I'm looking for a new sort of… stimulation."

"What kind of stimulation?" Alice piped up, frowning.

"We talked to Carlisle yesterday… He seems to think Emmett's suffering from… energy repression," Jasper continued calmly.

By this point, Emmett's attention span had long-since passed, and he was enjoying himself with the machine again, almost jumping with excitement.

"We're getting a second opinion," Jasper concluded, his eyebrows raised.

(Theme tune goes here!!)

Alice entered the Cullen house, her arms filled with shopping bags. "Hey," she greeted everyone present.

"Hey," I answered her. "What are you doing shopping at eight in the morning?" It was unlike Alice to have _finished_ shopping so early in the day.

"Well, thanks to _someone's_ dumb-ass pinball machine, I've been out since six," she said, gesturing towards Jasper, since Emmett wasn't in the room.

"You guys should really move that machine, I'm not sure it's appropriate to be in the basement," Bella advised.

"Yeah, especially with all these screwdrivers and hammers around…" Alice threatened.

"Alright, well I'm gonna go to collect my mom from the airport, and check her and Phil into a hotel," Bella notified me, referencing to the fact that her mother was arriving today in time for our wedding.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" I asked. We had already had this discussion, but I just wanted to make sure.

"No, I think I'm quite alright with my own hormonal emotions, thank you," she replied.

"I can check that for you," Jasper cheekily replied.

"Okay everyone, I'm still not sure my mom's convinced about this wedding thing, so wish me luck!" Bella said bravely, leaving.

"Goodbye, good luck!" Rosalie, Jasper and I called simultaneously. At this point, Alice and Emmett appeared in the doorway, having come from the laundry room downstairs. "Hi, wish me luck!" Bella said on her way past.

"Oh, good luck," Alice said, seemingly having forgotten the cause for Bella's need for luck.

"Good luck," Emmett chimed in. "And I'm still right," he added, looking meaningfully at Alice.

"That is _so_ not true," she replied, frowning.

"What?" Rosalie enquired, unhappy to be left out.

"She's mad," Emmett began gesturing towards Alice, "because today's her laundry day, and that means she's wearing her old lady underpants."

"I can check that for you," Jasper piped up again, smiling flirtatiously at Alice.

Ignoring Jasper, Alice replied, "I just can't believe you think that you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you."

"Well… We do," Jasper replied, simply. "_You_ can only stop reading a book at a page with an even number," he said pointing at Alice.

"Yeah, what's that about?" Emmett said, pulling a face at her.

"And _you_," Jasper continued, facing Rosalie, "Edward, I believe if you check Rose's bag you will find a chewed piece of gum in there," he said, earning a grossed-out look from me. I checked in the bag anyway, and of course, he was right.

"You're good," I congratulated him, popping another piece of gum into my mouth. "This is _not_," I said, spitting it back out.

"I'm _so_ not impressed," Rosalie frowned at Jasper. "Everyone chews gum while they shop."

"Yeah," Alice agreed, supporting Rose.

"Oh yeah?" Emmett questioned, always up for a challenge. "Edward, how many items are left in that bag?"

I checked the bag again. "Five."

"Ten bucks says we can name every item in that bag," Jasper said cockily, pointing at the bag.

"How many guesses do you get?" Rosalie pointed out.

Emmett shrugged. "Six."

"Challenge extended," I said in my best game-show host voice, my eyebrows raised at Alice to seal the deal.

She paused for a moment. "Deal!" She exclaimed, shaking Emmett's hand.

"Challenge accepted," I said, still in my imitation of a quiz-show host, for some reason pleased.

"Alright, we'll start with… shampoo," Emmett decided, not even questioning Jasper.

"We'll be starting with shampoo," I said in my voice.

Jasper silently walked over to me. Imitating my imitation, he said, "Stop that now!" I laughed inwardly, but agreed.

I reached into the bag, and revealed a bottle of shampoo, receiving a triumphant "Yes!" from Jasper.

"Okay, erm…" Emmett said, thinking. "Nail varnish remover, magazine…"

"Box of tissues," Jasper finished.

"Yes, yes… yes," I said, pulling out the three items one after the other. Rosalie and Alice began to look worried while the boys thought about their final choice.

"Batteries," Jasper guessed.

"No, there's no batteries in there, we win!" Rosalie cheered.

"They _have_ another guess," I reminded her. She stopped smiling instantly.

"Well, we one that one…" she said sulkily.

"Okay, the last thing…" Emmett thought aloud.

"Oh, oh…" Jasper exclaimed as he had an idea. He whispered it in Emmett's ear for approval, but we all heard him anyway, of course… "_Condoms_?"

"No-no, Rose and I stocked up on those just yesterday," Emmett said, winking at Rosalie. She stuck her tongue out at him in retaliation.

"I got it. Scotch…" Jasper waved his hand around in a circle, "tape."

I pulled a small roll of Scotch tape from the bag, and Emmett and Jasper cheered jubilantly.

"How did you know she would buy Scotch tape?" I asked Jasper.

"Well, we used up theirs last night making scary faces," he revealed, and he and Emmett laughed at the memory.

"Aww man…" Alice groaned, unhappy at the outcome.

"All right, ten bucks! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper!" Jasper demanded. When neither of the girls reacted, he whined, "Gimme it!"

"That does _not_ mean you know us better," Alice insisted. "I want a rematch."

"Yeah," Rosalie agreed, "and none of these stupid grocery questions. Real, personal questions."

"Yeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks," Alice added.

"You serious?" Emmett choked out.

"Are you scared?" Alice taunted.

"No!" Emmett said, a little too quickly. "Alright, who makes up the questions?"

"Edward'll do it," Alice decided.

I frowned at her. "Oh sure, 'Edward'll do it', it's not like he has a fiancée, or anything to do, or a life of his own," I said sarcastically.

"Fine, we'll ask Bella when she gets back," Rosalie announced.

"No, I wanna play…" I said immaturely. The others nodded in approval.

Alice broke the silence that filled the room as I made the finishing touches to their quiz.

"You guys, do you realize that any minute now, Bella could be convincing her mom that getting married really is the right thing for her?"

"I know, I've never met her mom, but I'm sure she's gonna need some luck," Rosalie said thoughtfully.

The others all stared into space, thinking about what had just been said.

"The test is ready," I declared, and the others all broke out of their trances and whooped with excitement.

I explained the rules to them. "Okay, each team will answer ten questions. The first team to answer the most questions wins. The categories are…" I gestured towards a white board I had covered with squares of coloured paper. "Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It's All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first," I said while taking a coin from my pocket. "You're not allowed to guess, Alice."

She hung her head, disappointed, while the others all watched me spin the coin in the air at an inhuman speed. They still waited while it fell onto the coffee table in front of them, and landed heads-up. They all looked up at me, smiling.

"Okay… Somebody call it this time!" I sighed, exasperated.

"Oh yeah, right," they all muttered. I flipped the coin again.

Rosalie called it in the air. "Tails!" Alice growled softly.

"It's heads," I said, revealing the coin in my hand. Emmett and Jasper cheered. "Gentlemen, pick your category," I prompted.

"Fears and Pet Peeves," Jasper chose.

I took a card from the board, and read out the question. "What is Alice's biggest pet peeve?"

Emmett took a moment to think. "Animals dressed as humans."

"That's correct," I answered him, writing a score of 1 on the board. "Ladies?"

"Same category," Alice said.

"According to Jasper, what phenomenon scares the bejesus of of him?" I read.

"Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!" Alice said, remembering.

"That is correct," I said. Emmett looked incredulous.

"The Irish gig guy?" he asked, his eyebrows raised.

"His legs flail about as if independent from his body!" Jasper answered reasonably.

"Gentlemen, your pick," I said.

"It's All Relative," Emmett said, gesturing towards the board.

"Rosalie had a distant relative who recently died," I said, hoping I wasn't crossing a line. "We all went to her funeral. Name that relative."

Emmett spoke first, quietly, to Jasper. Remembering the funeral, he thought of the little girl's nickname. "Cuz?" He asked Jasper.

"She has a real name," he answered, whispering.

"Althea!" Emmett suddenly exclaimed.

"Althea? What are you doing?" Jasper yelled.

"I took a shot!" Emmett replied, justified.

"You're shooting with Althea?!"

"Althea is correct," I confirmed.

"Nice shooting," Jasper said, and patted Emmett on the back.

I nodded towards the girls for them to pick. "We'll take Literature!" Rosalie yelled, becoming more competitive now.

"Every week, the TV Guide comes to our house. What name appears on the address label?" I asked.

"Jasper gets it! It's Jasper Hale!" Rosalie spurted without thinking.

"No!" Alice exclaimed, frowning.

"I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Janasper Hill," I said, shaking my head.

"I knew that!" Alice said angrily. "Rose! Use your head!"

"Actually," Jasper piped up, "It's _Miss_ Janasper Hill."

"Alright," I said, later on. "The score is nine to eight, in favour of the guys. Ladies, if you miss this, the game is theirs. Pick your category."

"It's All Relative!" Rosalie shouted, competitiveness taking over her.

"You don't have to shout everything," I reminded her.

"I'm sorry!" she said, still shouting.

I looked at the card. "Ooh," I said. This question was hard. "What is the name of Jasper's brother's grandson's Las Vegas all-male burlesque?"

Alice paused for a moment. "Viva Las Gaygas!" She waited for the answer.

"Unfortunately, that is correct," Jasper revealed.

"Alright, we have a tie," I said. "Luckily, I have prepared for such an event." I reached for my back pocket, and pulled out a white envelope filled with cards. "The Lightening Round! Thirty seconds, all the questions you can answer."

"You guys are dead!" Alice said, before realising the irony in her statement. "I am _so good_ at Lightening Rounds!"

"I majored in Lightening Rounds, alright? We're gonna destroy you," Jasper shot back at her.

"Wanna bet?" she exclaimed. I still didn't understand why the boys were betting against Alice. Maybe she was just bluffing.

"I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far…" Jasper muttered.

"How about we play for more money? Say… 150?" Alice asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," I repeated, back in my game-show host voice.

"Say… 200?" Jasper said, calling her bluff.

"Two hundred dollars," I said.

"You're doing it again," Alice alerted me.

"Excuse me," I muttered, going to sit down.

"Alice, I don't wanna lose 200 dollars," Rosalie said, frowning.

"We won't!" Alice assured her. "300?!" she said to Jasper.

"Alice?!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"I'm just trying to spice it up," Alice defended herself.

"Okay, so play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!" Rosalie said.

"I got it!" Alice almost shouted. "How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the pinball machine?"

"Ooh, that's interesting," Rosalie agreed, smiling.

"Hey, no way, I need that machine!" Emmett stepped in.

"Alright, hold on. If you win, we give up the machine," Jasper said, calmly.

"Aagh!" Emmett exclaimed, shocked. Jasper calmed him down a little.

"But if we win…" Jasper added slyly, "We get your bathroom," he said, pointing at Alice. She currently had the biggest bathroom in the house pretty much all to herself, while the boys were stuck with a small one downstairs.

"Deal!" Alice said, before Rosalie had a change to interrupt.

(Commercial break would be here)

"Alice, betting our bathroom, I don't know about this," Rosalie said uneasily.

"Rose, I have not missed one question this whole game. I own this game!" Alice said, a little full of herself. "Look at my hand," she ordered Rosalie.

"Why, do you have the answers written on there?" Rosalie asked innocently.

"No! It's steady as a rock!" Alice yelled. "Now, are you with me?"

Rosalie paused. "Alright, let's do it." Alice smiled, triumphantly.

"Alright, gentlemen, you're up first," I stated. Emmett and Jasper stood up, looking a little nervous.

Jasper started jumping up and down, for some unknown reason. "You have thirty seconds," I told them. "And the lightening round begins… Stop it…" I said to Jasper, and he stopped jumping obediently, "Now! What was Alice's nickname when she was on the school basketball team?"

"Little Pixie," Emmett answered quickly.

"Correct. Rosalie claims _this_ is her favourite movie," I prompted.

"Dangerous Liaisons," Jasper said.

"Correct. Her _actual_ favourite movie is…"

"Weekend at Bernie's," Emmett said, grinning.

"Correct. In what body part did Alice once get a pencil stuck?"

"Ooh!" Jasper said, before looking around with shifty eyes. He whispered the answer in my ear, and I was slightly repulsed.

"Eww, no! Her _ear_!" I corrected him. Jasper and Emmett shrugged simultaneously. "Alright, Alice categorises her towels. How many categories are there?"

The boys conferred, unable to think of all the categories quickly enough.

"Everyday use, fancy…" Emmett began.

"Guest, fancy guest," Jasper added.

"Two seconds," I quoted to them from the stopwatch in my hand.

"Uhh, eleven?" Emmett took a guess.

"Unbelievable, eleven is correct!" I congratulated them. They cheered. "Alright, that's four for the guys. Ladies, you're up."

"Alright, come on!" Alice and Rosalie said, determined to win.

"Thirty seconds on the clock, five questions wins the game," I told them. "The lightening round begins… Now! What is Emmett's favourite 'food'?"

"Grizzly," Alice said, quick off the mark.

"Correct. Jasper was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?"

"Seventeen?" Rosalie guessed.

"Nope, nineteen," I said.

"Thanks, man," Jasper said under his breath.

"Emmett had an imaginary friend," I said, ignoring him. "His name was…"

"Maurice," Alice said.

"Correct, his profession was?"

"Space cowboy!" Rosalie butted in. Emmett smiled at the memory.

"Correct! What is Jasper currently pretending to do an internship in?"

Both girls were stumped. I was unsure whether he had ever said it in front of either of them, and they conferred frantically.

"Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers," Rosalie said, unsurely.

"And processing," Alice added.

"He carries a briefcase…" Rosalie added, as if it might help.

"Ten seconds," I told them, "you need this or you lose the game."

"It's, umm, something to do with transponding…" Alice said while she thought.

"Oh, oh, he's a trans – transponster!" Rosalie exclaimed, pointing at Jasper.

"That's not even a word!" Alice yelled, exasperated. "I can get this. I can get this!"

I stopped the clock, dead on thirty seconds, and the 'beep' sounded loudly.

"Nooooooo!" Alice yelled, the thought of losing causing her literal pain.

"Oh my god," Rosalie said, unhappily.

"Yeeeah! Yes!" Emmett and Jasper shouted, jumping up from their seats.

(Some scenes missing: they're irrelevant to the story.)

"I can't find the toilet paper," Alice said, irritated, while unpacking bag-loads of cosmetic products into the tiny bathroom the girls now had to cope with.

"Oh, I think I saw some in here," Rosalie said, opening a cupboard under the sink.

"Aaaaagh!" They both screamed, horrified at something that was apparently living in their cupboard.

"What is it?!" Alice asked, a little scared.

"I don't know, but maybe if we keep that door shut, it'll die," Rosalie gasped.

"I can't believe this is our bathroom now!" Alice cried.

Emmett screamed, and ran out of the bathroom now belonging to the boys, almost bashing right into Jasper.

"What is it?" Jasper asked, puzzled.

Emmett panted. "Did you see the size of the shower in there?"

"I can't believe this is our bathroom now!" Jasper said, smiling.

_A/N:__ Okay, that's it. I considered splitting it up into different chapters, but didn't think it was worth it. Please comment and tell me if you think it's worthwhile._

_Also: Should I carry on with more Twilight/Friends crossovers? If so, please suggest a Friends episode for me to do. :) x_


End file.
